Zambians are the best actors when it’s salary week.
On the 1st: "Waitress, bring T-bone for everyone! Keep the change!"
On the 20th: You are seen in the corner of a dark shop buying one single egg, two tomatoes, and asking the shopkeeper: "Boss, can I pay the balance of 2 Kwacha tomorrow?"
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If a Zambian tells you "I'm almost there" on the phone, please check their background noise.
If you hear a rooster: They are still in the village.
If you hear a shower running: They just woke up.
If you hear a TV: they haven't even found their socks yet. Only start the Nshima when you actually see their physical shadow at your door!
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Zambian street vendors are the world’s best psychologists. You: "How much for this shirt?" Vendor: "For you, my boss, my Big Man... it's only 500 Kwacha." You: "I have 50 Kwacha." Vendor: "Ah! Boss, you want to kill my business? Okay, bring the 50." They will act like you’ve robbed them, but they still smile as you walk away.
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Going to boarding school in Zambia isn't just "education"—it’s a survival mission. You arrive with a metal trunk so big people think you’re moving your whole house.
Day 1: You are eating biscuits, powdered milk, and Nutella like a king.
Week 3: You are eating plain Nshima with a side of "hope" and "prayer."
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You haven’t seen true strength until you see a Zambian Auntie at a Kitchen Party. She will be 65 years old, but as soon as the drumming starts, she is dancing with a 42-inch Plasma TV on her head while balancing a tray of drinks. Meanwhile, you (the youth) get a backache just from sitting on a plastic chair for 30 minutes.
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There is no "Pressure" like being added to a Zambian Wedding WhatsApp group. Day 1: "Welcome everyone! Budget is 300,000 Kwacha." Day 2: "Contribution is 5,000 Kwacha per person." Day 3: "If you haven't paid, we are removing you from the group." I didn't know I was paying for the bride’s lobola and the groom’s honeymoon in Dubai!
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You get pulled over by the police. Your license is valid. Your fitness is up to date. Your triangles are in the boot. You feel confident. The officer looks at you, sighs, and asks: "Boss, the weather is very hot today, aren't you seeing the sun?" That’s not a weather report, my friend. That is a request for a "Fanta" (or a 20 Kwacha).
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Zambian grandmothers are built different. You go to the village wearing "distressed" jeans (the ones with holes in the knees). Gogo looks at you with tears in her eyes and says: "My grandchild, has the economy reached this level? Give me those trousers, I have a needle and thread in the house." Before you can explain "fashion," your 2,000 Kwacha jeans have been patched with a piece of old Chitenge.
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There is no heartbreak worse than when you are texting a "fine girl" from Kabulonga and just as she says "I have a secret to tell you..." you get an SMS: "Your 500MB data bundle is 100% used." Now you’re outside at 22:00 trying to find a signal to borrow "Kaloba" data.
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Zambian men can be slow at everything. Slow to fix the leaking sink, slow to pay back a "small" loan, and slow to reply to a ...
